You should... (lines written while reflecting on the relationship with my father)

know why I push so hard,
and can still be pushed over.
like some thing still-rocked,
and at once water tossed.

know why it is hard for me to hear,
yet I speak so softly into the ears of
this world.

know that i am so driven to succeed,
but flee from it with fear likened to,
terrors of the night.

know how i love to create art,
but shy away from my talents,
the starving artist full up on hope,
for your attendance.

know why i have no hesitations to make
exits strong,
but linger in un/happy places for so very long.

know how I value life and health,
yet in turn,
make myself.
sick.

know how I struggle against impulse,
and, give way to it with.
ease.

know how I love the beauty of words,
but, sometimes use them in hate.
in ugly ways.

know how I love family,
and spend as little time with
them as possible.

know how I love men,
but can find no appropriate suitor.

know that I compartmentalize,
yet live scattered, and... listfully free.

know why I love music,
and to be free in dance, and song.
like some new laced minstrel thing.
yet often am filled with only the
string of the dirge.

know why sometimes,
I can set my sights on beauty, incarnate
and find only the ugliness around it.

...know how I can feel selfish
...know how I can feel un/loved
...know how I can feel less than me
...know how I can be so less than free.

You should know.
Shouldn't you...?

Jason Christopher Johnson